The Disagreement Between My Brain and Me

~an anonymous writer

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It is hard to explain how we became what we are today: part of the present with seeds of the past and a hopeful yet dismissed future.

Hi, I am just some random kid at the end of the class, sitting with my notebook, trying not to look at anyone. I have anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD, which often leads me to stand in a room, confused or shaking, while I forget why I entered there or what was asked of me. You could be having a whole conversation with me, and I will zone out in between. It’s not like many of us want that. We don’t. We try and fight tooth and nail to try to be there and listen, be present, and be something—I don’t know, maybe typical? Well, there is no normal, but yet we try.

There are multitudes of variations of anxiety one might suffer from. The thing is, we never know what triggers us, what keeps us motivated, or what makes us feel restless. People tend to look at one and ask, "Since when have you been feeling anxiety? Isn’t that normal? Everyone feels that. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s all in your head, and it goes on." But here is the thing: it is not just in our head; it is part of us, part of what makes me and you ourselves. There ain’t nothing too small or too big when it comes to the human mind. Sometimes it could be a spoon dropping to the floor or someone tapping their pencil at the other end of the classroom. Maybe when I look at the fan for too long, or the room is dead silent and the clock moves loudly. It's beautifully unpredictable and uglily wild.

Although people tend to say embrace it, be what you are, it will make you stronger, but does it? Did I need to be stronger? I was just a child, not knowing why I can't sit in my seat for an hour while everyone is there. Did I need to know that I can only work and have an obsession with things for a time and will never touch them again while every other kid sticks to one hobby? Did I need to know I can only study for a long time altogether or can’t study at all? Did I need to know why I can’t write at a normal speed and can solve the whole exam ahead of everyone else just because MY MIND CAN’T SEEM TO CALM ITSELF? Did I?

There ain’t no answer to that; we are what we are. For worse or better, it is part of us. My anxiety gives me comfort; it keeps me safe, it keeps me safe is what I tell myself. Somehow along the way, we learn to sit and talk with it, listen to it, and adapt to it. I am as restless as the wind, yet I can be still as dead when my body deems so.

To conclude the rant going, I am still not at the stage where I can say I fully understand the extent of what I feel. 1000 thoughts are running through my mind per minute, but somehow along the way, I learned to ground myself, think of things that meant more than others, things that made me unique and myself.

So I will give you a piece of advice or technique to anyone out there going through what I am. Find a balance; I know it might sound hard right now or like some advice people say in passing, but it works. Learn to ground yourself, control your breath, and think of a place where you felt at peace. Think of a thing that made you feel at home, safe, comfort, and peace. Take a step back, look at it from another angle, and go with the flow. Your brain isn’t your enemy; it is merely doing what it figures is true. Don’t blame yourself for what it is, and don’t compare yourself because you are the best version of yourself; everyone else is taken. It is time to be yourself.